Love What Matters

6.5 years ago I hit rock bottom. I was completely w/o love. I really wasn't but that is what I felt. This post actually took quite a while and a bunch of tears to produce, not to mention a couple of days.

6.5 years ago I was all out of everything. Or so I thought. The woman I loved turned her back on me and abandoned me with no explanation. The child I loved before she was even conceived did the same. I felt there was nothing left and no reason to go on. The 2 ppl I wanted most in my life were the 2 ppl that wanted nothing to do with me and with no notice or explanation. So I had an idea. I didn't have a plan bc I'm too thoughtful of others that I couldn't even come up with an effective plan. Finally, it hit me as if it was the best plan ever made. I was gonna drive off the bridge. My car was old with hundreds of thousands of miles on it. It w as paid off. It wouldn't involve anyone else and yes, there may be a few ppl that wondered what happened but the direct impact would be minimized to just a few ppl. Most ppl would forget all about me in a week or at most a month.

Obviously, I didn't give the whole thing a whole lot of thought because 7/3/2012 was a pretty good day. But when I woke up on July 4th, something in me was broken beyond repair.

As I was packing, time seemed to be flying. I was getting frustrated bc it was taking too long for me to pack up my car considering I didn't have many belongings.

Finally, car packed with all of my things and my short journey begins. But then I thought, why waste these items? I know it's not much but I wasn't raised to be wasteful (really weird thing to think while in this state of mind).

Its still kind of early. Fireworks don't go off for another 4hrs and at that time everyone will be too busy to even notice. I still had time to run to my hometown and get a piece but then I thought, I don't want my peeps mad at themselves for unknowing helping me (I know, another dumb thing to think at the time). I didn't want to go buy one bc someone could use the money that I had for something once they found me so new plan had to come into play immediately.

While I'm thinking of a new plan I knew I had to give my things to someone that may be able to use it. So I decided to take things to my best friend. She has a nephew that could possibly fit some on my clothes since he is about my height. I know he could use my tv and PS3.

So I take everything over to her and I ask her if I could leave some things with her for a while. While unloading the car which took way too much time I told her that her nephew could do what he wanted with my things and they could set my tv up in the basement so he'd have an area already set up.

Between trips to the car she's steadily talking to me about things which is eating up the time but also taking my mind off things but it never broke my focus.

It's after 9 by the time I'm done and I'm really upset at this time bc fireworks are about to go off and that was my deadline. I missed my deadline. Another thing that I failed at, great. This doesn't help any but I need to figure out a new plan. The road will soon be filled with ppl which makes everything harder. I say my good-byes and give my friend a hug and begin to leave but for some reason she wouldn't let me go. Which really gave me mixed emotions. I felt love and concern but I hadn't shared anything so I don't know what she needed to be concerned about. I was getting frustrated bc I missed my time and I just wanted to get out of there.

I say my good-byes and I'm off. So, part of me is a punk and I wanted to make sure I did this right since everything else didn't go as planned, I had to get this right. So I ride up and down 95 looking for a bridge to drive off but they all have barriers, I guess to prevent those types of things. I'm way too much of a punk bc that would require a whole lot of thought.

Long story short (too late 😁). I couldn't find a place. Some fortunate but unfortunate things happen and I had to leave the area I was bc police were looking for me. Reading this, it sounds really bazaar.

On July 5th I end up in DC, parked in front of the Washington Monument. I think I was on my way to NC but after all the energy I spent and time I wasted and the lack of food, I was too tired to make it there.

First song I hear "It's Not Over". The second song "Never Would've Made It". And something just clicked. My heart wasn't restored but my mind was cleared.

Too often we focus on the things we've lost and the things we were never able to obtain. Neglecting all that we already have. We love and some of us, like me love hard and when that love isn't returned it hurts deep. I mean, that's your heart. If that is broken, you're broken. If your heart isnt functioning right, you can't function right. Just know that those things you think broke your heart, really didn't. It might have given it a laceration but all those others that truly live you is what's holding your heart together.

You can't live w/o your heart. So for you to still be living, your heart has to still be working. It's working from all the love that keeps it pumping. The "love" that left, had to go in order for your heart to work properly. If you need to, go ahead and take a moment for your loss but you wouldn't mourn if cancer left you, would you?

All I'm saying (in a very long-winded way); Love What Matters. What matters is all the love that keeps your heart pumping.

And I just want to add this. Time heals all. Trust me it does. It really does. If you're not feeling like yourself today, wait til tomorrow. If you don't believe me or need more analogies, hit me up. I have plenty.

#lovewhatmatters #love #faith #friends #family #hurt #pain #abandonment #dumped #dropped #breakup #friendship #loyalty #comfort #companionship #theplan #justonemoreday #onemoreday #thoughts #reflections

After writing all this, in yet another reflection (which is what I do in the new year rather than resolutions), I realize so many things had to fall into place for all of this to happen. And to think of when all of these things were actually set into motion so that on that day, everything was in place and I had enough patience (although it didn't seem like it) to wait, just one more day.